Where are the good viruses?

Whatever gang of microbes are tearing through my body right now have done a remarkably good job of making me a vector. My nose is running, I'm sneezing in three-round bursts like one of those overly-serious paintball guns, clogged nasal passages mean I mouth breathe unless I consciously suck air through whichever of my nostrils is partially open. My eyes are running, I keep sweating randomly—my body has been optimized to get virus-laden body fluids out to the public.

So as far as it goes, virus, well done.

One problem (for them), though: I'm sitting by myself in my apartment, trying to be productive in an OTC-hazed, home office, staring-into-the-fridge-and-pantry, alternately-layering-and-stripping kind of way.

Side note, why don't we have soup-delivery businesses? They'd need to wear hazmat suits, but they would make bank. I would pay $15 for a quart of hot salt water with a bay leaf or something in it right now, and never look back.

The point is, I am miserable, but not a vector today. My roommate's wisely staying clear of the leper colony, our cat's (presumably) not compatible, and I don't think what I've got's virulent or persistent enough to, y'know, open my windows and escape.

Now, granted, a lot of people don't or can't stay home from work when disease strikes, even communicable diseases. And, historically, hygiene technologies were less advanced, and presumably at least some sectors of the population had more physical contact with each other. That said: while production of infection-bearing fluids and behavioral hacks like sneezing are pretty good strategies, from an evolutionary perspective they've got a ways to go. When possible, the subjects will isolate themselves and lay low (pajamas, soup); uninfected members of the population will readily identify, be disgusted by, and maintain distance from infected subjects (e.g. me and my slowly-mounting drift of soggy tissues, mouth-breathing).

Not to say that flu viruses etc. haven't been wildly successful, all things considered. But contagious, body-and-behavior-modifying microbes are missing the boat on what could be accomplished in a social, conscious organism like a human.

Where are the (at least superficially) good viruses? Viruses that make us more popular, that make us more friends. By increasing the number and relative intimacy of our interactions with other humans, these strains could increase their transmission and replication without needing to unduly tax the host organism. Frequency of host-to-potential contact, when correlated to host “attractiveness”, should favor the selection of long-lasting but less harmful infections; a shift on the parasite continua away from predatory and towards symbiotic behavior.

So, Descolada, if you're reading, a couple ideas:

-Synthesis of empathogenic compounds—reduce fear of crowds, heighten pleasure of physical contact.

-Cure or disguise acne and other skin issues. Many are largely bacterial in origin; you can eat them for breakfast and then pass yourself on when someone smooches your host's perfect skin.

-You know who doesn't go out much? Depressed people. Fix that. You're already mucking about with body chemistry as is, just shift your focus to the brain.

-Target and eliminate neurochemical base for sexual guilt; free-love society finally a reality. Virus transmission pretty much guaranteed.

Back to my Dayquill.

Obviously I have Snow Crash, that oneTED Talk, and Peter Watts on the brain.

Update:
Delicious soup from My Tiny Tank. 

Food photography is hard.